She looked away from the large window in her room and sighed as another unprovoked and intense sadness racked over his small frame. She shivered, and clenched her eyes tightly shut in an attempt to fight the tears that would soon flow and not stop no matter what she did.
She had no idea why she cried like this. She knew there were things in her life that were sad, but, honestly, she didn't know why she was so overcome.
There were those in this world with lives far worst then her own, why should she cry over something as simple as a man, and a death that had been forgotten by everyone else.
Five months, and she was still crying.
The maddening sadness soon passed and she began to inhale through her nose and exhale through her mouth. It helped, sometimes, but sometimes it made it worse.
"Hey," Her brother said as he poked his head into the room without a single knock, not that it mattered, she couldn't lock her door anyways, "Dinner is done . . . hey, you okay?" He asked, only half concerned.
She rubbed her eyes and nodded. "Yup, just sleepin' a little."
The lies came out so smoothly now, it was hard to believe she had any sadness in her heart at all.
She had gotten very good at hiding it.
She slowly made her way to the stairs to go to dinner. She didn't want to eat, but knew she had to simply because she needed to take care of her body.
But she didn't want to.
She wanted to go back to her room, hide under her bed, and forget the pain that would rack through her at inconvenient moments, and to wake up normal, and to never cry over him again.
All she wanted was to feel normal.
"Hey, you sleepin again? So lazy!" her sister joked and she only laughed along with it.
Her laugh, how did they not hear that it was different?
She and her family ate happily together, laughing and joking together, even managed her stale laugh a few times. Nothing about her said anything was wrong, nothing said sick to the soul, lost, hurting.
Nothing said how broken she felt.
"Can you believe Christmas is just around the corner? I swear, I cannot wait!" her mother gushed, and she was hit with an immense wave of depression, making her loose the breath she had just taken into her chest.
"It's barely Thanksgiving, couldn't we just enjoy that holiday first, before we start in on another one?" She tried to stay calm, but the thought of sadness and pain were rushing her heart now.
He won't be here for Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas, you'll never get to spend another Holiday with him ever again.
Her family just mistook her as a Halloween lover, and a humbug.
"Oh come one, stop trying to be so different! Enjoy Christmas while it's here!" Her sister exclaimed jokingly, rolling her eyes.
"Get over it, seriously!" her brother laughed, and her family laughed with them.
She couldn't hide them now. There was no to stop them.
Tears and sobs broke through her thick wall of ice she had kept around her heart.
No one said anything.
No one moved.
They simple sat there and watched as she hung her head and the salty tears ran down her down turned face
"I-I'm sorry . . . you don't have to be excited about Christmas if you don't want to be." He brother whimpered while empathy and guilt colored his quiet words.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Her sister tried, scared of the over reaction that was nothing like her.
She never showed emotion like this.
"Sweetheart, they were only joking?" Her mother tried, touching her shoulder with a concerned, warm hand, impatience dripping from her rushed, unsure words.
Her father simply sat there, starring at the tears as they fell from her eyes.
He silently understood.
She only cried harder and shook her head, her tears wringing any words she tried to form with a force of a sharp, forceful blade on soft butter.
She quickly stood up and dashed away from the table and ran.
She couldn't face them.
They didn't understand her, they didn't see her pain the same as she did.
She sat outside and held herself as she rocked, her tears falling so frequently and hard she was sobbing out loudly into the night.
"I miss you . . . why did you have to leave me . . ." She cried out just above a whisper, and looked up at the moon she had just been starring at.
"I miss you grandpa."