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Sudden Sadness

She looked away from the large window in her room and sighed as another unprovoked and intense sadness racked over his small frame.  She shivered, and clenched her eyes tightly shut in an attempt to fight the tears that would soon flow and not stop no matter what she did.

She had no idea why she cried like this. She knew there were things in her life that were sad, but, honestly, she didn't know why she was so overcome.

There were those in this world with lives far worst then her own, why should she cry over something as simple as a man, and a death that had been forgotten by everyone else.

Five months, and she was still crying.

The maddening sadness soon passed and she began to inhale through her nose and exhale through her mouth. It helped, sometimes, but sometimes it made it worse.

"Hey," Her brother said as he poked his head into the room without a single knock, not that it mattered, she couldn't lock her door anyways, "Dinner is done . . . hey, you okay?" He asked, only half concerned.

She rubbed her eyes and nodded. "Yup, just sleepin' a little."

The lies came out so smoothly now, it was hard to believe she had any sadness in her heart at all.

She had gotten very good at hiding it.

She slowly made her way to the stairs to go to dinner. She didn't want to eat, but knew she had to simply because she needed to take care of her body.

But she didn't want to.

She wanted to go back to her room, hide under her bed, and forget the pain that would rack through her at inconvenient moments, and to wake up normal, and to never cry over him again.

All she wanted was to feel normal.

"Hey, you sleepin again? So lazy!" her sister joked and she only laughed along with it.

Her laugh, how did they not hear that it was different?

She and her family ate happily together, laughing and joking together, even managed her stale laugh a few times. Nothing about her said anything was wrong, nothing said sick to the soul, lost, hurting.

Nothing said how broken she felt.

"Can you believe Christmas is just around the corner? I swear, I cannot wait!" her mother gushed, and she was hit with an immense wave of depression, making her loose the breath she had just taken into her chest.

"It's barely Thanksgiving, couldn't we just enjoy that holiday first, before we start in on another one?" She tried to stay calm, but the thought of sadness and pain were rushing her heart now.

He won't be here for Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas, you'll never get to spend another Holiday with him ever again.

He's gone.

Her family just mistook her as a Halloween lover, and a humbug.

"Oh come one, stop trying to be so different! Enjoy Christmas while it's here!" Her sister exclaimed jokingly, rolling her eyes.

"Get over it, seriously!" her brother laughed, and her family laughed with them.

She couldn't hide them now. There was no to stop them.

Tears and sobs broke through her thick wall of ice she had kept around her heart.

No one said anything.

No one moved.

They simple sat there and watched as she hung her head and the salty tears ran down her down turned face

"I-I'm sorry . . . you don't have to be excited about Christmas if you don't want to be." He brother whimpered while empathy and guilt colored his quiet words.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Her sister tried, scared of the over reaction that was nothing like her.

She never showed emotion like this.

"Sweetheart, they were only joking?" Her mother tried, touching her shoulder with a concerned, warm hand, impatience dripping from her rushed, unsure words.

Her father simply sat there, starring at the tears as they fell from her eyes.

He silently understood.

She only cried harder and shook her head, her tears wringing any words she tried to form with a force of a sharp, forceful blade on soft butter.

She quickly stood up and dashed away from the table and ran.

She couldn't face them.

They didn't understand her, they didn't see her pain the same as she did.

She sat outside and held herself as she rocked, her tears falling so frequently and hard she was sobbing out loudly into the night.

"I miss you . . . why did you have to leave me . . ." She cried out just above a whisper, and looked up at the moon she had just been starring at.

"I miss you grandpa."
So today marks the official first holiday without my grandfather, and I thought I was doing great . . . Until, I suddenly burst into tears . . . and couldn't stop myself, even though everyone in my family was starring at me.

If there are errors, I am sorry . . . just trying to get these thought and feelings out of my all too cramped head so I can function.
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:iconamant-et-chasse:
Amant-et-Chasse Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013
My sweet Sunny! (hugs you) I am so sorry your still having such a hard time with this
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Lol, I'm okay Mattie, but thank you so much!
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:icondawnlegacy:
dawnlegacy Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, I cannot begin to express how amazing this piece is. It completely describes me right now. I lost my mom earlier this year to an illness that had plagued her for years. Last year, we had to move her out of the house and into a care home. That round of holidays was tough on my dad and my brother, but less so on me, I think because I still believed some miracle could happen and save her from her coming death. But this year, now that she's finally gone, I feel... Well, exactly what this piece describes. Everyone else around me has forgotten, moved on. But I'm still stuck in my sadness and my tears. Amazing job, and I hope things get easier for you.
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That is exactly how it was here. He had a stroke, and was in a care facility, and I wasn't sad at all, because I was just short of realistic to believe he'd stay. Now, though, everyone cannot believe I am still hurting so bad

I am so sorry you are still hurting, and I am glad this touched you in some way. Thank you so much fro the review, it means the world to me.
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:icontaikage:
Taikage Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
I'm sorry :c it can be hard
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you, and yeah, it can, but writing this helped :)
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:icontharamin-thar:
Tharamin-Thar Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
o my god that is amazing and sad i will tell you that i cried myself i love it
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much, and I am sorry I made you cry!

Glad you loved it :heart:
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:icontharamin-thar:
Tharamin-Thar Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
naw its ok bro it was really sweet
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart: :iconsweethugplz: :heart:
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:icontharamin-thar:
Tharamin-Thar Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
awww
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:icondusklightning:
Dusklightning Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
:heart: :icondragonhugplz:
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:icondragonglomp:
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:iconnahnia:
nahnia Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student General Artist
so touching...similar to what i'm feeling and brought tears to my eyes

i am sorry for your loss
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much for the review, and for the well wishes :heart:
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:iconnahnia:
nahnia Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student General Artist
it was my pleasure :hug:
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:iconpinkmartinis:
PinkMartinis Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you for sharing your story. It's very touching. Today, to the day, marks one year, two months since my grandma passed, and my second Thanksgiving without her.

It is the hardest thing in the world to lose a loved one. And it's the hardest thing in the world to pretend like it doesn't hurt. But stay strong; and by that, I mean there is strength in emotion. It's okay to cry, to mourn, to sit in silence, to be with your thoughts. Cope, but cope healthily. Let your loved ones in. And take time for yourself,

I am truly sorry for your loss.
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the kind review. I am glad people are being touch by this, in at least remembering the ones they loved. I am sorry for your loss, and hope your doing well.

And the truth of the matter is I have never shown too much emotion to any, and doing so scares me. I guess I should just let myself cry, and let people in, but I don't know if i'm ready.

Thank you so much, again :)
Reply
:iconpinkmartinis:
PinkMartinis Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you. I really appreciate that; it means a lot. And I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.

If your family is really supportive and understands your loss; from your story, it seems like your dad, I think it would be extremely helpful to let him in. And it's definitely okay to cry, trust me. When you let all of that negative emotion build and don't express it, it leaks out into other aspects of your life. Grief is a monster of an emotion and when it's not handled correctly it can have some really nasty effects. I know. So even if you're not ready to run down the streets tearing your clothes and sobbing and spreading ash on your head or whatever, I think it'd be helpful to find someone you trust and just tell them that you're really going through right now.

Hope that helps =] And thank you
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You are very welcome.

And thank you so much for the kind, helpful words. They really mean a lot to me :)
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:iconpinkmartinis:
PinkMartinis Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student General Artist
:hug: ^_^ Any time.
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:iconpooky-chan:
Pooky-Chan Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I understand. It's been almost a year now for me. I get the same feelings you do... I can't look at owls without wanting to cry, and nobody else understands... They get confused. "Why don't you just let go?" I can't, not yet. At least I know that I am not alone... I hope your pain ebbs away my friend, but never forget what he means to you.
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much. And mine seems to be Christmas, and no one gets it. Even after last night, I don't think they get it. No, i can't let go, and I probably never truly will.

Thank you again for the kind words :hug: they really mean a lot to me
Reply
:iconpooky-chan:
Pooky-Chan Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It is no problem, I am glad to find someone like me, so thank YOU for speaking your mind to the artistic public. Stay strong. :hug:
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You are too sweet! Thanks again! :iconsweethugplz:
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:iconsimplykristina:
SimplyKristina Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
I understand what you wrote and how your feeling i found myself crying bursting into tears after my grandpa died which was last year to this day i miss and think about him everyday RIP to your grandpa <3
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you, I really mean a lot :)
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:iconsimplykristina:
SimplyKristina Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
Your welcome <3
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:iconfitimmm:
fitimmm Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
can u send me that picutre :S
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Here you go, sorry it isn't bigger -->[link]
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:iconfitimmm:
fitimmm Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
thnx dude :D
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem bro, Lol
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll upload it :)
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:iconladynefertari:
ladynefertari Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oh my, sorry to hear that your grandpa died. I'd too lost someone. I'd never thought how much you missed them until they are gone. I'd lost my dad in May of 2009. It's still hard to get passed through the holidays and his birthday. The only comfort that I knew of that one day I will one day reunite with him and my other deceased relatives. That in itself made my heart a little more lighter than it was before.
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much for the kind review :hug:

And I am sorry to hear of your loss too, it really is hard, but I just wanted to stop crying :) and this sort of helped. And remembering that he's not gone forever, and that i'll see him again helps too :)
Reply
:iconladynefertari:
ladynefertari Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you're very welcome! :D Believe me, when I say, writing or talking it out does help a lot. It could get destructive if you hold your emotions inside your heart.
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:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:) and I think I am figuring that out, lowly, but still figuring it out. Thank you again, it means the world to me :heart: :iconsweethugplz: :heart:
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:iconladynefertari:
ladynefertari Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome once again! :hug: :tighthug:
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